you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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