I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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