Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
