this boner is exhausting
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
