Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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