can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
