yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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