so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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