Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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