We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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