I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
