You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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