The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
