I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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