I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
