i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
