If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
