So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
