she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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