Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
