Got a toothbrush?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
