wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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