you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's just like the Real World with babies
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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