i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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