So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
