...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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