I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
