you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
