The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
