I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
