I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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