Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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