I want to make a zoo with you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
