in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
