I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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