Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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