Someone shit on the floor
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
