My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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