I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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