Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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