My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
