What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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