Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
