cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
