what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
