hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
