There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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