My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
