my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm both gender and math confused
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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