I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
