Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
