Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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