i think my tv is drunk
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
