when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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