are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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